Mr. Dobson,
it's time for us to do what the Good Lord would refer to
as a "cleansing of the wicked,"
and what my brother George, God rest his soul,
used to call "100% Alabama ass kickin'."
So you think we're gonna die here today?
Dying's not an option. Now, you stick that back
in that gray matter of yours and you make that stick,
'cause any other thought's gonna get you cold-slabbed,
toe-tagged and mailed home to your mom in a plastic bag. Are we crystal?
- Crystal, sir. - Gentlemen!
Let's do what God made us to do.
This is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell...
of the Ruggsville County Sheriff's Department.
You're completely surrounded!
You have no chance of escape!
Now would be the time to vacate the premises peacefully.
There's a million fucking cops!
Come on.
Otis, the fucking pigs are everywhere!
- Tell me something I don't know! - We've gotta do something!
You're completely surrounded. You have no chance of escape.
Can't take the car, about 25 pigs.
I know, I know! Shit fuck shit fuck!
Shit. Where the fuck is Tiny?
- I ain't seen Tiny. - Tiny!
- I think he went out last night. - Everybody shut up!
Mama, what's the matter?
I keep thinking about... old times...
like when you was a fuckin' baby.
- You looked like an angel. - I know, Mama.
- You told me that a million times. - Yeah.
Gentlemen!
On the count of three!
- Ready? - Yeah.
- One! - I love you, Mama.
- I love you, Baby. - Two!
Let's go.
Three!
Fucking pigs!
Stupid motherfucker!
Die, you fuckers!
- You okay?! - Yeah, are you?
Fuck!
- Ready? - Yeah yeah yeah, go go!
Man down!
- Hold your fire! - Hold your fire!
Dobson! Get some tear-gas in that house!
Sir!
Mama!
Let's go! Let's go!
Do not fucking move!
I advise you to lower that weapon.
I'm sorry, Sheriff,
but you ain't gettin' me.
Looks like you ain't gettin' off that easy,
huh, bitch?
All right, everybody listen up.
I want this place gone over with a fine-tooth comb.
Wherever these fuckers are,
- they gotta be close. - I am standing outside the perimeter
of what is turning out to be the most horrific crime scene
since Jack the Ripper stalked the streets of London.
What police have uncovered reads like this...
words can't describe it...
"Human skulls used as ornaments,
body parts stuffed in refrigerators. "
And I can't believe what it says here:
"A mass grave of decomposing bodies
dumped under the crawlspace of the house."
Hey, Chief, you might wanna check this out.
- What? - I don't know.
Jesus H Christ.
Motherfucker.
What, you recognize the clown?
Yeah, his name is Spaulding,
Captain fucking Spaulding.
Oh, yeah! Ooh, yes! Gimme... give it to me!
- Yeah. - Yeah yeah.
Yeah, ride the horse, baby! Ride it!
Ride it! Yeah yeah yeah.
God! Oh, yeah, honey. Oh-ho!
Give it to me.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah! Oh, yeah! - You're the captain.
- Come on, baby. - Yeah yeah yeah...
Oh, ride me, baby. Ride it, ride it.
Ride it! Feels so good!
Yeah! Yes, give it! Give it up! Give it!
Give it, give it! Yeah! Oh!
Come on, baby, ride it home! Yeah yeah yeah...
- Yes! Yeah! - Yeah, oh!
Ah! Oh, honey!
You gettin' a good ride tonight.
Next time, you gonna have to pay me.
Did you just call me a fucking whore?
Well, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
Really?
You think I'm a fucking whore?
I don't think it, I know it.
- Whore this, fucker. - Hey hey hey hey!
Come on now, baby, hold on.
I'm just messing with ya. You know us clowns,
we like to just fool around a bunch, you know? Come on.
- Yeah. - Laugh.
Clown... laugh!
Poopy.
What's the matter, bad dream?
Yeah, 50-50.
You want to fool around some more?
Oh, Jesus Christ, woman, I gotta take a piss.
- No. - Didn't you get enough ass-banging
last night? God damn it, my dick is still sore.
- Oh, come on, I'm horny. - No.
Most guys like that quality in a girl.
Yeah, except you acting like some kinda spastic mongoloid in heat.
- Fuckin' bitch. - Hurry!
Ah...
Where is it?
Just calm down, it'll be on in a minute.
Ah! Ha ha! There it is!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
- Yeah. - You look so sexy.
Captain Spaulding again. I'm here to tell you about a brand-new attraction.
Mary... the monkey. Oh yeah, that's right.
- Ha! That fuckin' monkey. - This here little monkey
- ... is half real human, half monkey... - I love that monkey.
...I brought all the way from the wilds of Borneo.
When y'all come in, make sure you bring little Johnny and Suzie with you.
She'll scare the holy guacamole out of 'em.
Ha ha! And remember while you're down here,
pick up a "Captain Spaulding for president" T-shirt
all shapes and...
Hey, what the fuck is this?
I paid good money for this goddamn commercial!
Sheriff, "News Update," what is the situation now?
The situation?
Now what? God damn it!
- What are you... - Yeah, what?
- Daddy, you gotta get outta there. - Why?
- The pigs hit us this morning real bad. - Shut the fuck up!
- They're gonna be coming for you too. - All right, just calm down.
I'll meet you at the Kahiki Palms Motel just like we always planned.
- Yeah, okay. - I'll be there as soon as I can.
All right, just go now.
Poopy!
What do you need a gun for? Where are we going?
- You ain't going nowhere, bitch. - Oh, Poopy!
Get outta my fuckin' way!
If you're out there listening to this, I got a message for ya.
I'm coming to get ya. You can't run forever.
You're gonna have to stop somewhere, sometime, and when you do
I'm gonna be there to put the wrath of the Lord up your ass.
Poopy, don't go!
God damn it, stop calling me Poopy!
- But, Poopy... - Leave me alone, woman!
- I want my Poopy! Poopy, no! - Leave me alone!
In an attempt to help the Ruggsville Police Department,
we here at "News Update"
would like to show you these mug shots of the suspects
known to have escaped during the raid earlier this morning.
100. 150.
175.
184 bucks? What?!
- Candy! - What?
Candy, come on down here! Come on, cut that out.
Turn it off. Candy, come down here!
- Come on down here! - All right. Shit.
What?
This is bullshit, baby! What is this?
What do you want me to say? It's a slow fuckin' night, boss.
All them farmers want is a quickie hand job and boom!
10 dolla!
Get back on their tractors, save the real fucking for the sheep.
Jesus, Candy, you gotta figure a way to hook 'em in.
You gotta hustle that pussy.
Find a new angle and you might attract a higher clientele.
Yeah, well, I've been thinking about that.
I was thinking about something spacey like that "Star Wars" shit.
You know, them losers wanna fuck Princess Leia, right?
I'd fuck her.
Thank you.
I don't know, you start messing with that spacey shit,
and you'll really bring out some sick bitches.
They all wanting to pretend they're robots.
Last thing I need is horny robots running around, tripping over shit.
Droids... boss, they call 'em droids.
Whatever. I still say it's risky.
Wong's Hong Kong Gardens,
this is Mr. Wong speaking.
Cut the shit, Charlie. It's me, Cutter.
I got a serious meltdown going on down here
and I need a place to cool out, so I'm coming down.
Fuck, man, I don't think it's such a great idea, you coming around here.
I am coming down... now.
- Whoa, ho... hold it! - Fuck.
Hold it!
Fuck!
Man, I don't see him.
Shit, where the fuck is he?
Jesus! Can we get over this already?
I mean, I just don't find it funny anymore.
I don't know, it's still pretty funny.
- I'd say so. - I hate to be the one
- to tell you I told you so... - Then don't.
- But ridin' a mechanical bull is not as easy as it looks.
Technically, she had a pretty good ride...
until tragedy struck.
Hey, the lesson here is
that tube tops are not the proper attire for bull riding, Glory.
I agree with you.
You gonna have to put a harness on them little suckers, honey.
Her "tig bitties" were flappin' around...
My titties don't flap!
They looked like two raccoons in a gunnysack fighting to get out.
- Oh, Adam, shut up. - When her top fell down,
I was gonna pee myself!
"I was gonna pee myself!"
You're just jealous 'cause you don't have any titties.
Oh, Gloria, come on, no reason to get mean.
Come on, baby.
You had one titty going this way
and one titty going that way. It was pretty amazing.
Chances are high you made a few fans that night.
Oh, shut up, dipshit.
Well, I told Johnny Cash, and he said...
did you know I shook hands with Johnny Cash once?
Roy, how about you go find me the ice machine?
I need a drink.
I'll get you the ice, but you gotta promise us an encore tomorrow.
Roy!
You wish, honey. Don't you wish.
The babes are going into seclusion.
The leader of this group who is
a local celebrity goes by the name of Captain Spaulding
along with two other suspects known as Otis...
Aw, shit fuck shit fuck!
God, calm down. Get rid of the car.
Don't worry, I'll get us a room.
- Well, hurry the fuck up! - Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Police revealed today that they believe
most of the victims were drugged, kidnapped and sexually assaulted.
God damn it! Fuck!
Hey, Roy, I was doing some research on that thing I was telling you about.
- What thing? - Rodeo clowning.
Rodeo...
A rodeo clown? You been smoking dope.
Yeah... I mean no, not right now.
Let me tell you something.
You spend one second in that pen and that bull'd have his horn
up your ass and sticking out your pecker.
That's exactly what I thought you'd say.
You know, you can never be supportive of anything I wanna do.
What do you want me to say?
That you're dressed for the part and headed in the right direction?
Well, Adam was saying...
I've always been good with animals.
I mean, dogs love me.
And isn't a horse kinda like a big dog?
I don't know.
No, you're not clown material.
Forget it. I'm gonna walk on over to the gas station.
- You want anything? - No... yes.
Get me some of that beef jerky.
Thanks for talking.
I could've been on that pit crew down in North Carolina.
Yeah.
Meow! Meow.
Hey, pussycat.
Hey, got a light?
No, uh, I don't smoke.
My doctor says I got lungs like a professional athlete.
Ah, I get it. You wanna live forever.
Yeah yeah, well...
So what, are you on vacation all by yourself or something?
Yeah... no. I'm actually out here with my singing group.
I do the lead singing for it.
It's called "Banjo and Sullivan."
I used to sing with Johnny Cash. He shook my hand.
I love famous people. They're so much better than the real thing.
Well, yeah, I suppose they are.
I bet all the girls wanna fuck you.
- Would you say that again? - I bet all the girls wanna fuck you.
Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?
Trust me, fella, that ain't the only thing I do with this mouth.
Don't tell me that! What? Say that again.
That I ain't the only thing I do with this mouth.
It's so depressing.
Let's talk about some of the symbols of these groups
like the inverted cross or the pentagram
or the number 666 left at the scene of the crime.
What do you think about that?
This is not an isolated incident.
Well, members of these cults realize they have no chance
of attacking God directly.
- So the next best thing... - Adam, could you switch this?
- I can't stand to hear about this. - What do I look like, Roy?
I'm Sullivan,
Roy Sullivan.
Well... Roy Sullivan.
You gonna take me back to your room and play with me?
My wife's in that room.
Or is my brother gonna have to shoot
your fucking teeth out of your head?
Okay, let's go, Hoss. Move it.
Just makes me sick to my stomach to think
that we live in a world where there are Satanic cults.
Come on, Gloria, it's a bunch of crap.
- I don't know. - Look at these two idiots.
They're just exaggerating all this shit to try and kick up ratings.
They wanna get people scared so they stay at home,
buy TV dinners. Fuck me running.
I don't know about that. That business down in Ruggsville...
Ruggsville? Ruggsville can kiss my ass.
Ain't nothing but a bunch of local cousin-fuckers
corn-holing the livestock.
Could you just switch it for me anyway, please?
Jesus Christ, I don't know how Roy puts up with your shit.
What is taking Roy so long, anyway?
- Hey! - On the bed now!
- Get on the bed! - Let me check my... all right.
- Easy! - What's going on here, Roy?
Shut up! Did I tell you to fucking speak?
- Hey! Hey! Quiet! Quiet! - Did I tell you you could talk?
Roy, what the hell is this?
- God damn it, look at that jacket. - What?
On TV.
- Well, fuck the TV. - Fuck the TV? Fuck you!
Will you keep your head on the business at hand?
- Who's in the shower? - That's my wife!
- God damn it! - Don't fuck with.22.
What are you gonna do, man? What the fuck are you gonna do?
I wanna know what the fuck are you gonna do?
Wendy!
Get the fuck out of here!
Don't hurt her, please.
Is this everyone?
Hey, Roy. Open up.
I got some of that Dr. Corndog's hickory-smoked jerky.
Who the fuck is that?
That's Jimmy. He's our roadie.
- I forgot all about him.
Baby, you all right?
Now I know I can't trust you!
I'll get him.
- Hey. - I'm sorry. I got the wrong room.
I'm looking for room number two.
No, you got the right room. Come on in.
- Is Roy in there? - Roy's in here, all right. Come on in.
Get your ass in here! On your knees!
Roy, help...
Shut up!
We're at the scene of a horrific multiple murder.
- No telling how many... - God damn it!
Fuck!
... in the process of recovering the corpses
which are in varying states of decomposition.
It's currently being treated as a sign of a mass homicide.
If initial figures prove...
Come on, honey. Mommy has to get to work.
If I'm late one more time, Mr. McDonnell is gonna can my ass.
I am hurrying! I dropped something.
Will you get in the car?!
Okay, come on, let's go get in.
- Mom, a clown. - Yeah yeah, a clown.
Oh... hi.
Hi. I'm gonna have to be taking your car today.
See, I have some top-secret clown business
that supersedes any plans that you might have for this here vehicle.
What's that about clown business?
Do I stutter, bitch?
Jamie, get in the car. Lock the door.
Where the hell you going? Damn it.
Don't you never turn your back on a fucking clown
- when he's talking to you! - Get your fucking hands off of me!
What's the matter, kid? Don't you like clowns?
Why? Don't we make you laugh?
Aren't we fucking funny? You best come up with an answer
'cause I'm gonna come back here and check on you and your mama.
If you ain't got a reason why you hate clowns,
I'm gonna kill your whole fucking family.
All right, now get your fucking ass out the car!
Go on! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Shit! Woo!
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.
Chinese, Japanese,
dirty knees, look at these.
Hoss, are you staring at my sister thinking bad thoughts?
No.
Why not? You a faggot?
No.
Well, what are you? I mean, you got this hot piece of ass
shaking her shit right in front of you
and you're not getting any ideas? What do you call that?
I'm a married man.
A married fucking man.
Hey, that's just great!
Let's give him a big round of applause, folks, for the married man!
- Come on!
Woo! Married man!
All right. Wow.
Okay, Mama, front and center, on your feet.
Don't hurt her.
Get on your feet. Come on.
Let's go.
Please, mister, this is insane.
Boy... the next word that comes outta your mouth
better be some brilliant fucking Mark Twain shit,
'cause it's definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone.
Okay, come on, Mama. Take that shit off,
let's see what's been holding Hoss's balls at attention all these years.
What?
What? Take off your clothes,
or one of these assholes is going to die.
Come on, come on.
Shit, way to go, Roy! She ain't too bad.
She got a tight little ass on her!
And she got some child-rearing hips.
Huh, yeah, hey.
Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me.
Here, ooh, Jeez. Roy, beginning to see what you mean.
Whoa.
Please don't hurt me.
You like this, don't ya?
Say "Yes, I do."
You like that, don't ya? Say "Yes, I do."
Yes, I do.
Yes, I... I do.
Okay.
Okay, now.
Give me some sugar. Make it sweet.
Don't want me to tense up my trigger finger.
My finger's getting tense...
I want you to say, "You're the almighty devil,
and I want you to make me my filthy whore."
Come on, say it. I know it.
I know you're feeling it. Say it.
You're... the... almighty... devil
and I want you... to make me your... fucking whore.
You make me sick.
Woo-hoo!
I feel like we're all really getting to know each other now.
All right, ladies. Me and the boys have an errand to run.
We'll be back in a little while.
Come on, Hoss, move it.
Come on, shit stain! Gotta go!
Come on! God damn it!
Authorities struggle to comprehend the grizzly remains found
in what is now being called the most heinous crime in American history.
The group responsible for these murders
is now being referred to as "The Devil's Rejects" by the local media.
A woman known only as "Mother Firefly"
was taken into police custody today
after a violent gun battle with police
that left four officers dead and seven wounded.
I'm Derek Sanderson
bringing the world to your doorstep.
Open the gate.
Ma'am...
my name is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell.
Let's see who we got here.
Miss Gloria Teasdale,
alias Eve Wilson,
alias Southern Betty Woods...
Betsy Woods.
And of course,
alias Mother Firefly.
You can read.
Congratulations.
Four counts, grand theft auto.
Five counts, armed robbery.
What's this? Looks like your specialty...
17 counts, solicitation and prostitution.
You've been one busy whore.
I bet them old farmboys love you.
Everyone loves me.
Don't you pretend...
you don't fancy me.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I find you quite irresistible.
- Dobson. - Yes, sir.
- Put them books over there. - Got it.
Ma'am, you recognize these books, here?
Yeah.
Oh! Ain't she an angel?
Well, she gonna be one dead angel when I catch up to her...
you, your whole clan, you dead already.
You're just ghosts, just waiting to expire.
The way I figure it, only choice you got
is to cooperate and tell me where they are.
That way your little angel over there
don't have to die like no dog in the streets when I catch her.
- Are you done trying to scare me? - No, ma'am.
With God as my witness...
I have only just begun.
Oh... Sheriff...
can I show you something?
I'll need this book here.
I did never...
get around to putting these in the book proper.
And I thought...
you might enjoy them.
Oh... you know...
he was a real sweetie pie.
Tall...
big moustache...
bald head...
You know, I feel contrite
about blowing his brains out,
'cause he seemed like such a nice man.
I think...
he said... his name was also Wydell.
Was he kin to you?
Listen to me,
you gonna listen to me good.
I'm going to kill every member of your family.
I am gonna hunt them down like animals and skin 'em alive.
They are gonna feel the pain and suffering of every last victim.
They're gonna crawl on their hands and knees and beg me for mercy,
but all I'm gonna have for 'em is pain.
You're dead!
You go get 'em, Sheriff!
Go get your ghost! Them ghosts is gonna
crawl right up in your h-e-e-e-ead!
You found yourself into something you ain't never getting out of!
We'll get ya! We'll... get ya!
We'll get ya! You're dead, Sheriff!
You're dead! I'll see you
in fucking hell!
Hey, Hoss, you like this song?
Do you like this song?
I don't know. Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, really?
- Which way? - Take a right.
You like that Top 40 shit?
I thought you were like some kinda
true-blue-balls-earnest-kill-'em country fucker.
You're nothing but a city faggot with a cowboy hat.
Stop here.
Okay, get out.
This way.
Follow the yellow brick road.
That's right.
Go on.
You know, Hoss, if I'm not mistaken,
I think I can smell your wife's pussy-stink on my gun.
Hope it doesn't rust the barrel.
Oh, man.
You know, the stress of the day is really setting in on me.
You guys happen to know how a guy like me could relieve some tension?
Ah, maybe... I think your wife Wendy, boy,
looks like she could relieve some tension.
- Mister, where we going? - Those little titties...
we're going down the road here.
Those little titties, she's got a tight little ass.
Does she like it when you puke?
Is that part of your deal?
Where you taking us?
Well, I guess, it wouldn't do no harm to tell you none.
We're gonna go dig up some guns I buried out here a couple years ago.
- Then what? - Well, there ain't no "what."
That's the end of the road.
What?
- You're not gonna kill us, are you? - Killing sounds so permanent.
We did everything you want, mister, just let us go.
We did what you said.
First of all, I didn't say anything.
And second of all, I'm calling the shots!
Consider me fucking Willy fucking Wonka!
This is my fucking chocolate factory! You got it?!
My factory...
Get him, Roy!
Get the gun, Roy!
Roy!
Please, mister, stop. Please.
- Stop. - Stop?
Bitch, I have just started.
You know, I was gonna take it easy on you, boy,
but you brought this down on yourself.
You had to come all fucking-big-stick- walking-tall
like a big, fucking hero! You got yourself to blame.
Look at you now, hero! You're gonna fucking bleed to death.
Fuck you!
That's what they all say, "Fuck you!"
Well, it ain't gonna save ya. It don't scare me none
and don't make you a hero!
Wanna see what happens to heroes, boy?
You wanna see bad-ass, motherfucker? I'll show you bad-ass!
Roy!
Hoss, I want you to pray to your God.
I want you to pray that He comes and saves you.
I want lightning to come down and crash upon my fucking head!
- I pray... Jesus... - Louder!
Bless the bunnies, bless the little birds...
- I don't feel anything. ...bless the springtime morning.
I feel it!
Oh, Great God Almighty, I repent, I repent!
I feel the love of the God-God-God Almighty!
Oh, the Holy Spirit is in my body!
I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Roy! Roy!
You fucking motherfucker!
Son of a bitch!
I've got other plans for you... hero.
Shut the fuck up!
Can I go to the bathroom, please? I'm about to piss myself.
Excuse me...
Can she go to the bathroom? Please?
What?! I heard you the first time. I was just thinking.
What are you gonna do for me?
- What? - Go piss yourself for all I care.
If you want special favors, you gotta give me something in return.
What do you want?
I want you to hit her in the face.
- What? - I know you heard me.
Go ahead.
Go on.
Make it hurt, no love taps.
I want to hear it.
Harder, she ain't gonna break.
You better make this next one fucking count!
Ah!
Good, very nice.
Now you come here.
Right here. Kneel down.
Give me a kiss and say, "Thank you, Baby, I'm having a great time."
Thanks, Baby, I had a really good time.
Now make it fast, bitch!
Don't try anything cute!
Shit!
Now, what do you want to do?
Damn it, I knew that cunt would do something stupid.
Shut up! Open the fucking door!
- Open the goddamn door! - Okay! Hold it!
Somebody help me!
What are you gonna do, shoot me?
What did I ever really do to you?
I swear I'll do it. I'll kill you.
Why would you want to kill me?
I'm you're only hope, my brother's fucking crazy.
- Please! - Wendy, it's all right!
Come on out...
Go ahead, shoot me. Shoot me right in the ass!
Stupid cunt! Ain't no bullets in this thing.
It's all fucking mind power.